In Another Life, I Would Make You Stay…

In another life
I would be your girl
We’d keep all our promises
Be us against the world

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Hey, look!  It’s me again!

I took a trip to Collabor88 over the weekend and with some of the stuff I found there, I knew I was going to put together a Collabor88 blog post… so many cute things!  The theme this go around was Watercolors in Bloom… and I love Watercolors in general… even if I don’t wear them too often, just because my chosen hair color and skin color don’t always afford me the opportunity to be all cute and soft and girly.

But between this outfit and another one that I’m working on styling up (yes, I may post it today too if I get it done), I just needed to be girly today…

See, I was hanging out with my dance teacher last night, Rya, and she just happened to make a mention of, “Did I tell you he signed online?  Not here, but in WoW…”

I growled.

See… the “He” is the ex of our friend Kimmie… who, long story short, was the reason that she suffered from a great deal of cyberbullying from this incredibly crazy woman whom I’ve never met in my life… seriously, folks, this woman created alts and got her friends to harass Kimmie… all while then trying to point the finger at a group of friends & acquaintances of mine from a sim we used to all frequent.  It was some messed up stuff.  I’ve been very open about Kimmie’s story in the past, so I’m not going to go into all the details here again.

But in the end, Kimmie ended up over-dosing.  Not just taking a few pills to try and get attention… like… legitimately over-dosing and committing suicide.

I guess this is why I’m so sensitive about issues of bullying and over-dose attempts.

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This particular picture that I took and edited… I didn’t understand why when I was working on it… but I just broke down crying.  Like, mid-edit, I just say here and started bawling.

Part of me blames the fact that I’m off my meds.  (Whooooole different story.)

But also… I guess it’s just the perspective of the photo… it’s almost like she’s there, behind the camera, taking the picture.  I’ve been missing her a lot lately, but I didn’t really sink in how much until I stared at this picture and realizing just how much my subconscious wanted to fuck with me today.  It’s seriously like she’s there.

It’s almost creepy.

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This picture too.  It’s like she’s in the boat with me.  It’s just strange.

There are still days that I go to tell her something completely ridiculous that has happened… something that I said/did to Daddy… something Daddy said/did to me… being the mischievous babygirl she is, I’m sure she would still appreciate my antics.

Antics which, I might add, have increased since her passing.  SOMEONE has to fill that gap she left.  And I’m sure Daddy is SUPER excited that I’ve personally taken it upon myself to be a mischievous little brat for the both of us.  Lol.

Anyway… sorry for being emotional and weird today.  I’ve just been missing Kimmie the past couple days, and then with some of these pictures… I just… yeah.  Wow.

Also, on a more positive note… this Mish Mish elephant mooooooooooves!  It’s super freaking adorable!  I may very well feature it in my next blog post as well, cause it’s just THAT cute and I DON’T want to let go of it.  *Giggles*

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*~* In Another Life, I Would Make You Stay… *~*

Shape: MINE
Skin: Ivy Skin (no. 14; Bronze; Freckles) – RedMint
Eyes: Spectral Eyes (Field) – IKON
Hair: April (Reds; with hair clip) – Truth Hair  @ Collabor88  *~* rigged mesh *~*
Ears: Simple Ears (Unisex) – Mandala  *~* non-rigged mesh *~*
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Gesture) – Slink  *~* rigged mesh *~*
Nailcolor Applier: Dark Set (Blue) – Nailed It
Eyeliner: Liquid Liner (IN & Out; Up) – DAMNED Bodyshop
Lipstick/Teeth: Glimmer (red/teeth; Deep version) – Pink Fuel
Tank Top: Betsy Halter Tank (Sailor) – The Secret Store  @ Collabor88  *~* rigged mesh *~*
Skirt: Amy Highwaist Skirt (Milk) – The Secret Store  @ Collabor88  *~* rigged mesh *~*
Shoes: Watercolor Flowers Spandau Flat – Schadenfreude  @ Collabor88  *~* Slink & mesh versions *~*
Glasses: Nerd Glasses – Iron Claw  *~* non-rigged mesh *~*
Throat Tattoo: Heart (Faded) – YaYo
Elephant Plushie: An Elephant to Hug (Sky) – Mish Mish  @ Collabor88  *~* non-rigged mesh *~*

Location: Misty Mountain Romance

Blogging Tune: “The One That Got Away” – Katy Perry

I Am Not Your Expectation…

I am not my hair
I am not this skin
I am not your expectation

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At this point, I would just like to point out… that I put on hair for my Update Check with Opium… but other than that, I haven’t worn hair for, like, 5 days.  LOL.  I love this headpiece that Dainie made special for me for this challenge from Artizana.  (Thank youuuu Dainie!)

This is the first time I’ve actually been inspired to/had the time to blog a Colour of Couture Challenge.  My past outfits are saved, and so I will try to backtrack my journey and show you all of my stylings from past challenges up to this point, but today, I needed to show you my Charity Challenge Styling.

This styling may look incredibly random and not cohesive, however, it was more symbolic.  I couldn’t figure out what to style that would appropriately represent my charity (Relay for Life… come on, who’s really surprised that I picked Relay?  Anyone?) while still being true to myself.  And then a song came into my head (not the tune I’m blogging to today).  The song my styling is based from is “Skin” by Rascal Flatts.  Yes, I wore a green dress to my prom.  Lol.  My goal with this style was to just be me… regular old Tivi-behind-the-keyboard… because cancer (or other diseases that fall under ACS’s research) affects us all in some way, shape, or form.

Now you see where my challenge was.  I mean, seriously… up until finding that song, I was thoroughly convinced that I was going to be doing my presentation in a pair of purple lounge pants and my committee t-shirt (and my headpiece).  I had NO idea until that song came in my head.  So, I am reminded once more, and extremely grateful, of my deep connection to music.

Anyway, the song I’m actually blogging to today is a song that my RFL Team Captain, Chevelley Silentghost played yesterday while she was competing in the Preliminary of the Celebrate Remember Fight Back Top DJ Competition.  (She raised enough to be in 2nd place currently, which moves her into Quarter Finals.  Final total was L$160,519… of which, the last L$64,000 was raised in the last 5 minutes.  It was a WONDERFUL thing to see.  Just in case anyone’s curious.)  I had completely forgotten that this song exists before that… and now I’ve been listening to it on repeat ever since.  And yes, Tivi’s crying.  LOL.  Tivi’s been crying a lot lately… including during her presentation.

As for how my presentation went?  I’m not sure… I have mixed feelings.  I was asked if I used props… my answer was no.  I was going to, but I decided against it at the last minute.  Why not?  When I sat down and thought about it, my presentation was not driven by facts and figures… all that information was in my written proposal.  My presentation itself, the spoken portion, was the emotion behind it.  The things that you couldn’t really convey in a text document… the things you need to hear out of someone’s mouth to know just how passionate they are about it.  THAT is what my verbal presentation was.  And as such, I took a page from my dance teacher’s book: your most important prop in a dance is YOURSELF.  Anything else is a bonus… and if you choose to use a prop, it should enhance your dance, not distract from it.  I felt that for my presentation personally, using a prop would’ve distracted listeners from the words I was saying.  The words that were not only coming out of my mouth, but pouring out of my heart.

I’m not sure if you can see it, or if the judges noticed…. it was a small thing… but underneath the necklace I’m wearing, there’s a small heart tattoo on my throat.  I speak directly from my heart, always.  And Charity Challenge was no different.

I wrote out a transcript of what I said, just in case anyone hadn’t been able to hear.  So… the following is roughly what I said for my charity challenge presentation… “The Nation”… a fund-raiser for Relay for Life.

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One Billion Rising.  Take Back the Night.  The Megan Meier Foundation.  The Sandy Hook School shooting.  These are all charities I have supported in the past.  So why did I choose Relay for Life as the topic of my presentation today?  At the risk of shocking a few of you who don’t know me well enough to know this… I am a Caregiver… and a Survivor.

It is estimated that in 2014, among American Men & Women, there will be approximately 1,665,540 NEW CASES of cancer… and 585,720 cancer-related deaths.  That is 1,665,540 more people in America that have to hear they may or may not make it to their next Christmas… their next birthday… to see their children or grandchildren grow up.  And that is 585,720 more people that will lose their fight… the epitome of “bad things” happening to “good people”.

I was told a story by the creator of my headpiece, made specifically for this challenge, about how the typist behind the keyboard of her five year old RP daughter was diagnosed with cancer in 2012.  She had surgery in February of 2013 and is now in full remission.  They call her Ladybug, and as a tribute to her and an encouragement for myself and anyone else fighting their fight right now, Dainie added ladybugs with “Relay Purple” spots into this headpiece.  Ladybug is a shining light in the darkness that is this dreaded battle against cancer.

Something needs to be done to perpetuate that light.

What my event, “The Nation”, proposes to be is a way to combine my three greatest passions in Second Life: Dance, Fashion, and Fund-raising for the Relay for Life.  “The Nation”, a play on words for the term “Relay Nation” referring to the whole RFL community in Second Life, is a fashion experience… not just a runway show.  It proposes to bring together models like myself who are Survivors and/or Caregivers of this dreaded disease that we call cancer in an entirely danced production, showcasing exclusive creations from some of the best designers in Second Life.  All for the good of Relay for Life.

I believe my favourite part of the event is that due to a few wonderful sim/parcel offers that are on the table at the moment, I will not have to charge designers a “fee” to participate in this event.  Their participation will be contingent solely upon a freewill donation of their choosing.  This leaves less pressure about money, and keeps the focus about fund-raising.  I don’t think you understand how unbelievably excited I am about being in a position to make that offering.

More detailed plans for the event including a time line that begins now and ends after the event takes place in July can be found in the proposal notecard that you received from me at the beginning of this presentation.

As I approach the end of my time with you this morning, I would like to leave you with the words that are written at the Conclusion of my proposal, words that came straight from my heart:

Cancer remains the second leading cause of deaths in the United States… accounting for 1 out of every 4 deaths.  Look around you… no, seriously… cam around this room right now… there are more than 4 of us in here.  To this day, I have survived.  Some day, if advances in research and technology are not made, I may not.  There is no remission for me… there is no happy ending for me… not without further research…

Some day, you may receive your news… and some day, you may lose your fight.  This is the reality of cancer.  This is the feeling, that sadness deep in the center of your spirit that innocent people are losing their lives in a battle they never asked to fight.  This is the reason I will continue to fund-raise for Relay for Life until I am no longer able.  We WILL beat this disease one day.  One day I will happily be able to stand before you and proclaim that we are estimating ZERO new cases of cancer and ZERO cancer-related deaths in the coming year.  One day.

Until then, I have to relay.

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*~* I Am Not Your Expectation… *~*

Shape: MINE
Skin: Kaelyn 09 (India) – Glam Affair
Eyes: Spectral Eyes (Field) – IKON (previous FaMESHed release; now in store)
Hair: Hair Base 04 – Action Hair
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Gesture) – Slink  *~* rigged mesh *~*
Nailcolor Applier: Dark Set (Purple) – Nailed It
Eyeliner: Liquid Liner (IN&OUT; Up) – DAMNED Bodyshop
Lipstick: Glossy Pout Lipstick <Dark> (Plum) – Pink Fuel
Gown: Ligeia Gown (Envy) – Dead Dollz  *~* rigged mesh *~*
Wrist Corsage: “Rose” Wrist Corsage (Gothic Dusk) – Lapointe & Bastchild
Necklace/Right Bracelet/Left Ring/Earrings/Forehead Jewel: Lasya Jewelry Set – Lazuri
Headpiece: Tivi Headwrap (Colour of Couture) – Artizana  (this particular headpiece is not in store, that I know of)
Lantern: Holding Lantern – [Tia]

Pose: Made it myself!  *Giggles*

Location: Misty Mountain Romance
* Seriously… I take most of my blog pictures here and I still find new places to go and take different pictures… LOVE this sim.  Plus there’s open rez, so if I ever run out of places to take pictures, I can just rez something.  Haha.

Blogging Tune: “I Am Not My Hair” – India Arie Ft. Akon

Uttered to Condemn the One Who Hears It…

This will be my last confession
“I love you” never felt like any blessing
Whisper it like it’s a secret
Uttered to condemn the one who hears it
With a heavy heart

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Well thanks to a certain little Cao whose page I visited today (and she returned the favor and even followed!  *waves to the Cao*), I now have something to write about.  She participated, and then directed me to Strawberry Singh’s recent meme challenge: Advice for Second Life Newbies.  Oh, this should be fun.

Much like Cao’s post, I feel that this could be applicable to anyone inside of SL, new or old, but my personal opinion is that the sooner you understand these concepts, the better off your virtual existance will be.  Some of these things are coming from a completely pessimistic and jaded mindset… and before I’m called out as a Negative Nancy or Debbie Downer, allow me to remind you that I’ve been here since 2008, even if Tivi’s avatar isn’t that old.  I’m just about as sick and tired of some of the “same old, same old” as y’all are.  I’ve had a lot of experience inside of SL.  I’ve taken risks.  I’ve gotten hurt.  This is me.

And if I can attempt to help a few people not make the same mistakes I did along the way, well, then I think I should give it a shot… Negative Nancy/Debbie Downer or not.

Meme Instructions: List 5 pieces of advice you would give to a newcomer that has just joined Second Life. Don’t forget to leave a link to your post or advice in the comments.

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1.) Don’t let anyone pressure you.
While some people will take noobs and prey on them specifically for things like griefer attacks, Bloodlines souls, other vampire systems that allow ‘ninja biting’… keep in mind that nothing is truly NECESSARY in order to successfully live out a virtual existance inside of Second Life (except ‘follow the TOS’ and other such common sense items.)  You don’t HAVE to be a vampire.  You don’t HAVE to do anything you don’t wish to do.  You also don’t even HAVE to look good.  *Chuckles*  I used to think everyone cared about what their avatar looked like… and was super obsessed with keeping their skin current, their clothes current, etc… but I’ll tell you what.  Through my work in SL recently, I’ve been confronted with some of the most circa 2009 avatars I’ve ever met… and you know what… they’re some of the most AMAZING people.  They prefer to focus their time on other things other than what their avatar looks like.  And pretty pixels or not, nothing changes the hard work that they do and the difference they make.  Be who YOU want to be in YOUR SL.  Don’t let anyone dictate it for you.

2.) Sometimes you will be taken advantage of.
Go into this knowing that if you choose to get involved in this virtual world beyond simply exploring and hanging out… if you go into any sort of ‘work’ here, you may very well get taken advantage of at least once in your experiences.  You will find people who will exploit your talents simply because you’re willing to help.  Now granted, among these colossal douchebags, you will find some amazing people who actually appreciate you as a person and the work ethic that you will bring to the table.  You just have to decide for yourself if it is worth holding out for those that will appreciate you.  It’s not always a bad thing to say, “You know, I just want to hang out and relax for awhile.”

3.) Negativity breeds negativity.
It doesn’t matter how happy or positive of a person you are in the ‘real world’… if you surround yourself with negative people in Second Life, you will be viewed as negative… and you yourself can (and probably will) become negative.  That said, there’s nothing wrong with being cynical or skeptical sometimes… surrounding yourself that are all “sunshine and rainbows” to the point that it’s seriously creepy probably isn’t good for your sanity either.  However, a healthy medium is usually ideal.  People tend to judge you as ‘guilty by association’, so I guess there comes a time when you decide what is more important… a friendship (if you actually know it’s a true friendship and not just a situation like #2 above) or your general, grid-wide reputation.  I would say friendship… as long as its genuine.  Unfortunately, my judge of genuinity lately seems to SUCK.  A second opinion would be my recommendation.  *Chuckles*

4.) SAVE OUTFITS.
As you gain more items in your inventory and you fail to organize it… because let’s face it, everyone gets lazy with their inventory at some point… things will become harder and harder to find.  You will have your lazy days where you don’t want to look through all the things in your inventory to put on something to wear that day to go to a club or a show or a live music event or whatever you have to/want to do that day.  Being able to go into your outfits folder and quick change to something you’ve already put together?  Definitely a saving grace on lazy styling days.  That, and when you crash (like we all know you will at the most inconvenient moments) who knows what you could come back wearing… you could be half dressed in something that you put on 3 days ago.

5.) When it stops being fun, you need to make a choice.
You need to decide… is the lack of fun you’re having in this program worth the small bit of time you can spend with friends you’ve made here… or is it time to download a program like Skype or a game like WoW, drag your friends over there, and continue on in a less stressful, more fun environment.  Don’t like a virtual world like Second Life turn you into a hateful, stressed out person.  I don’t call it a ‘game’… because this is real interaction with real people, just in a virtual setting… but even if it’s not a ‘game’, you should still enjoy it.  If you begin to dread logging in… or stop enjoying the things about this place that made you fall in love with it… it’s time to take a good hard look, and consider the potential advantages of taking a break.

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*~* Uttered to Condemn the One Who Hears It… *~*

Shape: MINE
Skin: Ivy Skin (No. 14; Bronze, Freckles) – RedMint
Eyes: Spectral Eyes (Field) – IKON
Hair: Crazy In Love (Rouge) – Exile  *~* rigged mesh *~*
Ears: Stekking Ears (Unisex) – Mandala
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Gesture) – Slink  *~* rigged mesh *~*
Nailcolor Applier: French Manicure Pastels Set – Nailed It
Eyeliner: Liquid Liner (In&Out – up) – DAMNED Bodyshop
Lipstick/Teeth: Glimmer (red/teeth; Deep version) – Pink Fuel
Gown: Beauty – Lybra  (This was a SAVIAD release that I do not see in the store yet)  *~* partial rigged mesh *~*
** Please see “Official Blogger For…” page for all of Lybra’s locations **
Necklace & Bracelets: Copacetic Tallulah – Maxi Gossamer  *~* non-rigged mesh *~*
Headpiece: Zer Wreath (white) – Finesmith

Poses: Regina 7 (Photos 1 & 3); Regina 8 (Photo 2)Katink

Location: Misty Mountain Romance

Blogging Tune: “Heavy” – Florence and the Machine

I Can Taste the Tension Like a Cloud of Smoke in the Air…

Every second is a highlight
When we touch, don’t’ ever let me go
Dirty dancing in the moonlight
Take me down like I’m a domino

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Truthfully, I have no idea what to write about right now.

I just got done telling someone, I believe it was Flora (shout out and wave!), that when I blog, I have to have something to write about… because I’ve always seen the fundamental purpose of blogging to be writing.  That’s why some feeds who make it a REQUIREMENT that you ONLY post your photos and style card annoy me.  Granted, I don’t normally speak out about my annoyance.  I just don’t apply for those feeds and continue on with my writing.  :-)

However… I was inspired tonight by the outfit that is all from FaMESHed, except for my hair and nail color and eyes… as well as a set of poses that AnneMarit Jarvinen from Katink tossed me tonight.  Like you’re going to throw me something and say, “It releases tomorrow,” and not think I’m gonna do my damnedest to blog it tonight so people SEE it tomorrow. :-)  Especially when I have an outfit I really want to show.

It just sorta had to happen.  Like fate.  Or destiny.  Or something like that.

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Currently, I’m listening to Wylder skip through songs, claiming that he’s trying to “remember” how to mix again.  Personally, I believe He never forgot, and has always been a good DJ.. Anyway, He was trying to ‘re-learn’ because we’re both participating in a small DJ battle tomorrow night for Relay for Life.  I’m DJ’ing from 8-9pm SLT and He’s DJ’ing from 9-10pm SLT.  The event is hosted by Tiki Photography for LIfe.  If you’re online at that time, holler for a tp.  It’s for a good cause.  :-)

Is it wrong of me to say that I love it when He gets frustrated at Himself?  Not frustrated, like, a legitimate fight or anything…. but listening to Him trying to dovetail too songs together and grumble because it wasn’t right, dragging the tune back and trying  it again?  It makes me smile.  I don’t know if it’s because it’s nice to see Him passionate about something, and allowing me to drag Him into something that I’m passionate about too… or if I’m still just happy to be hearing His voice again.  Maybe it’s a combination of both?

Either way, being here, with Him… I dunno.  There’s a “right” feeling about it.  It’s like… I dunno.  There’s some stuff to work out still… we’ve still got some communication issues… (*Coughs* Like not letting me know that He had to work late in RL and suddenly I’m sitting here for 2 1/2 or 3 hours with no word… lolol.)  But otherwise, it’s good.  It’s nice.  This is a good thing.  I can feel it.

Maybe this is what fate feels like?  Thank you Karma, for ceasing your bitch-ery for a moment and letting me enjoy this.

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*~* I Can Taste the Tension Like a Cloud of Smoke in the Air… *~*

Shape: MINE
Skin: Kaelyn 09 (India) – Glam Affair
Eyes: Spectral Eyes (Field) – IKON  (previous FaMESHed release; now in store)
Hair: Zoe Hair (Colored with Hud 2 then manually tinted darker) – CatWa  *~* rigged mesh *~*
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Gesture) – Slink  *~* rigged mesh *~*
Nailcolor Applier: Animal Print Silver Polish – ZOZ
Dress: Bohemian Chevron Dress (Burnt) – Coquet  (currently at FaMESHed)  *~* rigged mesh *~*
Jacket: Denim Jacket (Blue) – Coquet  (currently at FaMESHed)  *~* rigged mesh *~*
Headphones/Speakers: Super Bass Rab8 Headphones (Vanilla) – RO  (currently at FaMESHed)  *~* non-rigged mesh *~*
Necklace: Bali Gypsy (Color Change) – Maxi Gossamer  (currently at FaMESHed)  *~* non-rigged mesh *~*
Facial Piercings: Anonymous (Metal) – Hebanon Vial

Poses: Regina 9 (Photos 1 & 2); Regina 6 (Photo 3)Katink  (from Regina Pack 2 releasing APRIL 4TH!)

Location: Misty Mountain Romance
Yes, you’ll find this sim to be my default for taking pictures.  Lots of gorgeous forest and scenery… plus it’s open rez, as long as you clean up after yourself.  Relatively low lag.  I’m so glad I found it ages ago…. oh wow, almost a year ago now!

Blogging Tune: “Domino” – Jessie J

I Saw The Future, And In It, I Was Alive…

I think a lot about killing myself
Not like a point on a map
But rather like a glowing exit sign
at a show
that’s never been quite bad enough to make me want to leave

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*** WARNING: This blog contains personal information that may serve as a trigger for people who have some of the same issues that I do.  If you are easily triggered, then you may not want to read this post.  You have been warned.  ***

You know… I don’t ask for a lot in my SL.  People that I work with and work for can likely attest to this, because when every single one of them has asked me what I expect to be paid for whatever job I’m doing, I usually say some related form of, “Honestly, whatever you feel is appropriate.  I don’t work for free, but I also don’t feel it’s my place to tell you ‘I want to help you, but here’s how much you have to pay me if you want my help.’”  99.999% of the time I am perfectly happy, if not completely shocked, at the amount that they view as fair.  Shocked in a good way, mind you… not a bad way.

That said, I don’t ask for a lot in my SL.  But one thing I do ask… is that if you’re going to call yourself my family… and ask me to support you when you’re going through a hard time or when you’re doing something that’s important to you… is that you offer me the same in return.  I am perfectly happy to be a shoulder to lean on, an ear to listen to you when you’re upset, and a giant lap for you to snuggle down into when you just need to sit there and cry because life sucks and you’re sick of it.  I’m happy to be all of those things for any of my friends and family that need it.  Where I draw the line, however, is with those who take and take and take and take and yet refuse to give.

Some of you know that Opium Evolution just got finished with its production of Gatsby.  There were 3 shows, 1 of which I could not participate in because of a prior commitment (and a shout-out/HUGE thank you to Ana for allowing me to continue with the show, even with that prior commitment… it was an honor to participate).  I invited my ‘family’ to my first show, and I was super excited because their instant response, without missing a beat, was “Totally, I’m there.  I got you.”  But then, when they didn’t attend, and I happened to mention it… I was told in a rather stern tone that made it feel more like a lecture than an apology/explanation… that they had to work in RL or were off doing other things in RL, and that’s why they weren’t there.  RL always comes first, I get that… I support that… I live by that.  But why tell me if you’ll be there, only to turn around and not be?  Especially when these RL things were pre-planned and you knew you wouldn’t be available.

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So the night before the last show, I had tp’d away from a family event upset because the whole night, my partner and I had sat in Skype together, without the family, because we thought they weren’t in Dolby (a chat program we use for group chats, because it takes up less resources than Skype does).  It turns out they WERE in Dolby… they were just in some private room that we didn’t have access too.  Just chatting away like we weren’t even there and didn’t have the forethought of, “Oh, maybe Wylder and Tivi would like to be involved in the conversation.  Let’s jump up to one of the public rooms.”  It was hurtful.  And I allowed myself to knee-jerk react and tp’d out of the event.  I spent the rest of the evening styling an outfit, messing around in Photoshop with some new techniques that Wylder taught me, and just being with Him.  I had ignored my sister’s IMs, and so she had IMed Wylder, checking in on me every so often and letting Him know that she still loved me, even if I was mad.

Yes, sister, He told me about every time you checked in.  I thought it was sweet.

I just wasn’t ready to talk yet.  I was still hurt.

Before He went to bed Wylder had suggested inviting my family again to Gatsby’s last showing.  We knew for a fact that my sister didn’t have to work in RL this time, because she’d told us a couple nights before that she had 4 days off and was super excited about it.  However, she spent most of those 4 days ignoring most of her family with the exception of her partner and her daughters.  We made plans to hang out, go shopping… plans that never happened.  But Wylder suggested that I invite her and any other family that was around and not busy to the show.  After all, we club-hopped almost every night, supporting various DJ’s in the family.  Why not ask my family to support me in something I enjoy doing?

When I went to IM her, her IMs were locked.  Without explaining in detail, it’s an Open Collar feature that lets someone stop you from receiving or sending IMs.  When I tabbed into Facebook to copy paste the message, my newsfeed updated to a post of her saying about an hour previous that she was “taking a day off” from everything and everyone except her partner and her daughters…. which is whom she’d been spending all her time with the rest of the weekend anyway.

I couldn’t help it… I felt let down… again… I felt an extreme lack of support from people who had called themselves my family.  People who had repeatedly told me, “I got you,”… and I didn’t really feel “got”, if that makes sense.  I started spinning.

For those of you not familiar… I’m going through some stuff.  I have been for the last 8 months or so… nightmares involving my father, grandfather, or both… 24 hour periods of time where I am in an almost constant state of fear and panic, unsure of what exactly I’m actually afraid of… seizures more frequently than normal… harsher bi-polar mood swings than normal.  Lower lows and higher highs.  I’m also a recovering cutter… and so in the middle of all the negative, I still have to find enough positive to keep from resorting to unhealthy coping mechanisms.  So when I say I was spinning… I was emotionally spinning out of control, into a very low low.

I just needed my sister.

And when I attempted to tell my sister that I’d needed her… that’s why I was upset… I get a response of “Last night wasn’t about you, nor is today.”  That’s just it… me saying that I needed her… IS about me.  She may have inserted herself into someone else’s problem (which she does often… getting herself involved in things that really aren’t her job to fix/get involved in) and allowed that to stress her out… however, me being honest and telling her “I needed you,” is very much about me.  But she couldn’t even stop long enough to listen.  She just blew me off… was very short and harsh with me… and then stopped talking.

One of our ‘family’ members had threatened to commit suicide the night before, after I had left, I guess.  This family member and I were both in need of the same thing.  We needed support of our family.  But apparently our family is only singularly capable of supporting one person at a time.  And so because I asked for support because I was spinning… instead of going to drastic and melodramatic measures… I was left in the dark.

When I’m up I don’t kill myself
Because holy shit there’s so much left to do
When I’m down I don’t kill myself
Because then the sadness would be over
And the sadness is my old paint under the new
The sadness is the housefire or the broken shoulder
I’d still be me without it, but I’d be so boring

I’d like to be able to rejoice in my strength… to be able to deal with spinning on my own (with Wylder’s help when He was online)… and deal with it without resorting to previous unhealthy coping measures.  I’d like to be able to be proud of my strength.

But my strength lost me my family.

You see… that conversation that I mentioned trying to have with my sister?  Where I told her that *I* was not the one who’d locked out my family… that *I* was the one who had been locked out… several times.  That I was spinning that night and just needed my sister and it felt like she couldn’t care less?  That I felt like I was only important when they needed something from me, and any other time they couldn’t be bothered.  When I tried to have THAT conversation… and she not only blew me off, told me it wasn’t about me, was rude and short with me, AND quit talking… THAT conversation?  Yeah… I was told that I was bringing drama to the family and would not be welcomed back.

While the man who threatens/attempts to kill himself over a woman who doesn’t contact him for 2 days and the man who lies to the family about how many relationships he’s in and with whom are both not considered drama.  I ask for help and that’s drama.  They act like jerks and they’re perfectly welcome AND worthy of family support.

I don’t get it.  But I’m so sick of being hurt.

I guess I just wanted to blog this poem tonight…. because I want it to be ok to be proud that I was strong.  To be proud that I don’t think the way I used to anymore and just want to give up and be done with everything.  I want it to be ok that the show hasn’t been quite bad enough for me to want to leave just yet.  I want it to be ok that I embrace my old paint under the new.

I just want it to be ok.  And I guess it’s not ok for my former “family”.

TheFuture1 FINAL

*~* I Saw The Future, And In It, I Was Alive.. *~*

Shape: MINE
Skin: Kaelyn 09 (India) – Glam Affair
Eyes: Spectral Eyes (Field) – IKON  *previous FaMESHed release; currently in store*
Hair: Lulu Hair (colored using Hud 2 and manually tinted darker) – CatWa  *~* rigged mesh *~*
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Gesture) – Slink  *~* rigged mesh *~*
Feet (not shown): Avatar Enhancement Feet (Mid) – Slink  *~* rigged mesh *~*
Nailcolor Applier (Hands & Feet): Dark Set (Black) – Nailed It
Body Suit: Bodysuit No. 6 – RedMint  (currently 50% OFF)
Cropped Sweater Top: Lace Top Lifted No.9 (II; manually tinted darker) – RedMint  (currently 50% OFF)
Jeans: Belted Bells (Grime) – Auxilary  *~* rigged mesh *~*
Facial Piercing: Anonymous (Metal) – Hebanon Vial
Forehead Band: Gayaa Forehead Band – CatWa
Poses: Various from my AO (Seventeen by Oracul)

Location: My Build Platform
* Don’t mind the plywood prims in the background and the builders grid on the floor.  Just a bit of a sneak peek of what I’m working on for Menswear Fashion Week at the end of April!

Blogging “Tune”: The Future – Neil Hiilborn

Whatever It Is, It’s Just Laughing At Me…

What now
I just can’t figure it out
What now
I guess I’ll just wait it out, wait it out…

Sail2Mar14 FINAL

Yeah, I’m done apologizing.  For much of anything.  So… if it makes you feel better, then insert an apology for following up a positive post with a negative one.

Also… yes, I said I didn’t feel like editing pictures.  However, Wylder knew I was down yesterday and taught me some new things in Photoshop that I had fun experimenting with.  So… yeah.  Edited pictures in this post.  Some moreso than others.

Anyway, amongst the crazy-ness that is my SL, I was going through my objects folder last night, looking for something to style… I was in a bad mood… so I wanted something dark… fierce… that I could just barely toe that line between grunge/dark and Avant Garde… and I found this fantastic dress that I guess I’d accepted from Lybra’s Blogger subscribo, but didn’t realize I had.  HAH.  Story of my life… my lack of observation.

Apparently this dress is available in Tiger Alley at SAVIAD spring fair… I don’t know much about it, because I’ve sorta been out of touch with the fashion community lately, aside from Colour of Couture and Gatsby (see last post for what I’ve been doing most of the time…. though I’m not sure how relevant most of that is anymore)… HOWEVER, I’m pretty sure the fair ends soon.  So jogging down there to get this gown would be fantastic.

Sail1Mar14 FINAL

This is the part where I fully admit that I probably should’ve paid more attention to group notices and done more exploring of Tiger Alley before today.  Most everyone that is close to me knows that pandas are my favourite animal, because when given the opportunity, I rarely shut up about them.  HOWEVER, white tigers are probably my very close second.  They are gorgeous, first of all… and just as fierce as ‘regular’ orange and black tiger, even if they look a little different.

Of course, that could also be me seeing the white tiger as a metaphor for myself (and others who do things outside the norm).  Just because I may look different than you, or approach things differently than you, or walk different than you, or pose different than you, or style different than you, or write different than you, or blog different than you… that does not mean that I am not as equally fierce as you.  Never underestimate me.  That’s when I’m at my best.  :-)

“I do it because I can.  I can because I want to.  I want to because you told me I couldn’t.”  – Unknown

Now… if I could only get this much motivation for the Thom Browne challenge… *Runs and hides from Sequoia*

Sail3Mar14 FINAL

*~* Whatever It Is, It’s Just Laughing At Me… *~*

Shape: MINE
Skin: Kaelyn 09 (India) – Glam Affair
Eyes: Spectral Eyes (Field) – IKON *previous FaMESHed release; now in store*
Hair: Hair No. 14’13 (Cherry Red; tinted darker) – RedMint
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Gesture) – Slink
Nailcolor Applier: Dark Set (Black) – Nailed It
Gown: Tigress – Lybra  (available at Tiger Alley for SAVIAD)
Heels (not seen): Bordello Bonnie (Black) – [Gos] Boutique
Jewelry (Necklace, Bracelets, Rings): Kaya Collection – Lazuri
Facial Piercings: Anonymous (Metal) – Hebanon Vial
Tattoo: SyKaDeliK (Black; Medium Ink) – Para Designs
Makeup: Bad to the Bone (a MALE design) – Madrid Solo
Poses: various from the Electric set – PosESioN

Location: Misty Mountain Romance

Blogging Tune: “What Now” – Rhianna

I Believe We’ll Be Okay…

Can’t complain about much these days
I believe we’ll be ok
We’ll scream it out
I believe we’ll be ok…

Boating1

Originally I wanted to title this post “Life, Or Something Like It…”  But I’ve been listening to this song since it premiered in the Glee episode on Tuesday, so I figured I’d give it a shot instead…

Also, I feel like every time I write in here, I’m apologizing for not writing more often.  Honestly, to my knowledge, there’s only a handful of people who read this, if anyone actually does… and no one seems displeased enough with stuff I write to comment about it, so I feel like I’ve got to be doing ok when I do write.  Truth is, my RL has changed a lot in the last 8 months or so… with losing my dad and losing my grandpa… I dunno, I just feel like a different person.  I love taking pictures… I just hate editing them… and I still don’t quite feel like my raw shots are good enough for my blog.

Of course, today’s post is a bit of an experiment in that… cause all the pictures you’re going to see are raw shots of a family sailing trip.  I have done absolutely 0 editing to these.  So, some feedback on how they look would be neat?  Maybe it’ll give you something to actually comment about.  Hahaha!

Boating 2

So basically… yeah… I don’t write a lot.  And I’m sort of sick of apologizing like it’s going to change anytime soon when I really don’t know.  Lately I have things that take up my time and I’m much more motivated about.  Like Relay for Life.  That said, I DO owe any sponsors I have an apology… but I’ve never really been into blogging for sponsorships… and I honestly believe I only have 2.  LOL.  One who may drop me after they see this post and how infrequently I’ve been writing, and one who will never drop me because she’s a friend of mine and knows that I’ll blog her when I wear something of hers that inspires me to do so.  (Which, as soon as I take some photos of a styling I did recently, you’ll see her make an appearance again!  Love you, Marbella!)

Anyway, a lot has happened lately.  In SL and in RL.  But I want to focus on SL right now… because it’s the positive, happy stuff.  :-D

Boating 3

Some of you may have noticed that my name has been changing a bit lately.  First of all, my apologies for the frequent changing.  I got adopted!  The story behind that is that the “Spiritor” last name was left over from a roleplay family I used to be a part of.  And I love mama Soren a lot!  Even now.  But she’s just not online a lot… and when she is, it’s for like 15 minutes at a time, and she’s usually still roleplaying, whereas I left that environment almost 2 years ago.  I’ve never really had the ‘family’ thing in SL… and the last person in the fashion community that adopted me as a ‘sister’ has kinda since abandoned me.

Needless to say, I don’t have a lot of family luck.

But through a game of Truth or Dare that lead me to complimenting the hairstyle of this crazy girl named Trinket… I got to know the Rappaport family and fell in love.  Thankfully, they seemed to like me too, cause Mama adopted me that night and made me a Rappaport.  I don’t think ever in a LONG time have I felt THIS MUCH like I belong in a group of people.  It’s the first time in quite some time that I haven’t been looked at and said, “Well, we like you, but…”  They haven’t tried to change me.

I am who I am.  And that’s ok with the Rappaports.

Boating 4

Speaking of family!  In my past relationship, I had made the decision… well, WE had made the decision… about trying to have a kid inside SL.  Yes, the SL pregnancy thing.  I would like to say, however, before anyone asks or gets all upset… NO, prim babies will NOT be involved.  I find prim babies to be extremely creepy.  And, much like my sister’s feelings on it, I need that emotional connection to someone in order to make that sort of bond work.  I can’t bond with prim and scripts.  So, needless to say, when it does happen, it will go straight from pregnancy to a person in a Toddledoo avatar playing a little.

Nothing official yet… as my relationship with that individual ended, and I did not follow through with the term of the pregnancy.  (I DID NOT ABORT… again, before someone gets upset.  I made sure that nothing event remotely simulating abortion happened.)

Boating 5

Anyway, I know some people have issues with the SL pregnancy thing… so allow me to explain.

The Reader’s Digest version is this: I can’t have children in RL.

At least, this is what I have been told by medical professionals.  Now yes, I’ve heard stories of women who have been told that they can’t have children who conceive and give birth and everything works out fine.  I get that.  I know it’s possible.  However, given a few other serious medical things that run in my family… I just can’t wrap my mind around subjecting a child to that.  To the possibilities of getting these issues themselves… or the consequences that these issues will invariably cause for them early in their life.  (I’d really rather not go into detail right here, right now.  Let’s just leave it at that, please.)

So even though I’m told I can’t have children… I love children.  I’ve lived a vicarious motherhood through the fact that I have 12, yes 12, nieces and nephews in RL.  And they range in ages from 21 down to 5.  One of them has a child of her own as well, who is 2 or 3.  When I babysit, it’s like a temporary feeling of being a mother, and it’s wonderful.  However, moving 12 hours away from all 3 of my sisters… I don’t exactly get to babysit anymore.  And the reality of not having children started to set in a little bit more.  I don’t like thinking about it.

And so why not have a child in SL?  While some view SL as a “game”, others view it as a place to experience those things that they cannot experience in RL.  Some people dance, because they are physically unable to do so in RL.  Some people participate in the SL Relay for Life because they can’t walk their own local Relay track… or their town doesn’t have Relay.  Some people model in SL because they don’t have the body type to do it in RL.  There are plenty of people in SL experiencing things that they can’t in RL.  So why should it be any different for women who cannot have children?  Why should people look down on us and judge us as being ‘weird’ or ‘creepy’ because we want to experience what we may never get to in RL?  I feel like there’s no difference here.

I’d like to have a family of my own.  And if the doctor’s are wrong… about a lot of things… then perhaps I can in RL some day.  However, for now, SL is the medium I have in order to live out that very deep, intense desire of mine.  Why would anyone try to ruin that?  Please don’t be a jerk.  If you don’t understand it, that’s fine.  ASK.  I would personally be happy to re-explain my reasons to you if it means that you might understand me a little better.  If you don’t understand and don’t want to ask… that’s fine too.  All I ask of you is that you don’t judge… and that you don’t be a jerk about it.

Live and let live.

That’s been my life lately… and I have to say that I’m in a pretty positive place right now.  Changes on the horizon… and I feel good!

Boating 6

*~* I Believe We’ll Be Okay… *~*

Shape: MINE
Skin: Ivy Skin (No. 14, Bronze, Freckles) – RedMint  *currently not in store, because it’s at Skin Fair!*
Eyes: Spectral Eyes (Field) – IKON  (past FaMESHed release; now available in store)
Hair: Helen (Dark Red) – Lelutka  *~* non-rigged mesh *~*
Swimsuit: Ruffled Bikini Lingerie Swimwear (Teal) – SUGAR Mesh Apparel  *~* rigged mesh *~*
Hip Tattoo: Beautiful Disaster – Little Pricks
Lipstick: Dailyn Lipgloss (Dark Blackberry) – Izzie’s
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Gesture) – Slink  *~* rigged mesh *~*
Nail Color Applier (Hands & Feet): Dark Set (Teal) – Nailed It
Feet: Avatar Enhancement Feet (Mid) – Slink  *~* rigged mesh *~*
Ears: Steking Ears – Mandala  *~* non-rigged mesh *~*

Boat: (I THINK it’s called a Lunetta?  I’ll get specific Boat & Creator & SLURL from my brother)

Location: Blake Sea
*The Blake is composed of several connected sims.  The SLURL above is for a landing point that I’ve been taken to in order to rez a boat.  There are various housing rentals along the Blake and so many places to sail.  If you head out in one direction there’s even a giant cruise ship that is 4 sims long.  So much to explore, if you can handle the lag of all the sim crossings.  I love it!

Blogging Tune: “Be Okay” – Glee

Anywhere, I Would’ve Followed You…

And I… am feeling so small
It was over my head

I know nothing at all…
And I… will stumble and fall
I’m still learning to love
Just starting to crawl…

Jester(Say something, I’m giving up on You…)

*Takes a deep breath… and just sighs*

It’s interesting to finally have things getting back to normal… ish.  For those that didn’t know, my RL has kinda been a whirlwind since November when in less than a week I had packed everything I owned that could fit in a 12 foot Uhaul trailer, pitched the rest, and moved from Central Indiana to Southern Alabama to help my mother care for my dying grandfather.  He held on for quite a long time… He had always been stubborn, though.  On February 2nd, 2014, He finally let Himself rest and quit suffering.  And so I spent a week, ass-deep in snow, helping my mother and grandmother deal with the arrangements and going through the viewing and the funeral.  I came back home to Alabama only to end up sick… and now voila… here I am.  The last 3 months of my life in a nutshell.

I’m pretty impressed the above paragraph is that short.  But yes, that’s where I’ve been lately.

Not long ago… well, I say that, but it’s actually been like 2 months… even if there aren’t very many posts between then and now… but not long ago, I wrote a rather angry blog post that told a certain someone that I was sick of sacrificing myself and my own ability to be happy, just to make sure that they remain happy.  I mean… they are the one who left me… they are the one that thought they couldn’t be what I needed and walked away… why should I be beating myself up about it and walking on eggshells in order to make sure that they remain happy, right?

I dunno.  The logic… it just isn’t there, when it comes to this Man.  I don’t think I’ve ever once been logical, when it came to Him.  I mean… I left an abusive situation and immediately allowed Him to sorta… sweep me off my feet, into His arms, tell me I was safe… and from there our relationship began to grow.  Logic would’ve told me to wait… become stable on my own… before turning to Him.  But again, logic… just isn’t there.  It never has been, with Him.  And so I allowed myself to fall… I allowed Him to catch me… and almost a year afterwards, He walked away.

And I’ve pretty much been duct taping pieces back together ever since.

And ya know… silly me… I actually held on to hope.  I really did.  As pathetic as that makes me feel to admit, I really did continue to hold on to this small hope that maybe… some day… we would both grow… and we might grow… I dunno how to say it.  Grow into each other?  You know how when you were a kid and your parents would get you a sweater, or a pair of pants, or a pair of shoes… and it was just a little too big… and instead of returning it for a different size, they’d just laugh at the sleeves that were too long, or how much the shoes resembled clown shoes, and tell you, “You’ll grow into it.”  I guess that’s how I felt when He left.  Maybe one day we’ll just grow into it.  Maybe it will still be ok.

Because the truth is, that Man taught me a lot about myself… and a lot of the growth that I made during the time that I was with Him, and in the time since being without Him… has been His ‘fault’, so to say.  It’s been His prompting.  Even steps that I’m taking now, to this day, even recently… they’ve been steps taken from seed He’d sewn so long ago.

And it wasn’t until the other night… I was reading a book… (yes, I was reading!)  I came across a line…

“Except that there’s no happiness for me without my place at [His side].  And I will fight as hard as anyone to get back there and make [Him] proud of me.  Because I love [Him], more than life itself.  So I’m here to learn how to get back home.”

I changed the gender to be appropriate… but it’s like… it smacked me in the face.  That’s what it feels like I’ve been doing all this time, subconsciously.  I never did it intentionally, as I have had relationships since Him, including my current one… but it’s like everything from then until now has been my subconscious working to try and make HIM proud of me… when it seems, for lack of being able to speak to Him and know if it’s true or not, it seems that He doesn’t really care one way or the other anymore.  He has what He wants.  What is seems He always wanted.  I felt like a placeholder then… and I still feel now like the time that I spent with Him then, I spent as a placeholder.  I guess that’s why I get so mad when I see Him with her.  There I was working hard at the one place I found happiness… and I was just simply holding a place, until the time was right for Him and her.

Again, without being able to speak with Him to know whether or not it’s true, there’s nothing to chance my mind.  And it hurt.  It still does.

But at the same time… I guess I can’t spend the rest of my life trying to make someone proud of me who doesn’t look at me anymore.  I can’t spend the rest of my days trying to make Him proud of me, when I am not His to be proud of.  I can’t keep flailing around in the darkness hoping He might shed some kind of light, when the lightbulb burned out a long time ago, and He’s off elsewhere, doing other things.

Hence the styling tonight.  I guess I just feel like the butt of one big joke.  Not His fault.  Not anyone’s fault.  None except my own.

I hope someone out there somewhere is laughing.  Because I’m not.

*~* Anywhere, I Would’ve Followed You *~*

Shape: Mine
Skin: Kaelyn 09 (India) – Glam Affair
Eyes: Spectral Eyes (Field) – IKON (past FaMESHed release; now available in store)
Hair: KBO906 (Red) – Boon
Eyeshadow (Lower Layer): Insanity Plea (Green) – Madrid Solo
Eyeshadow (Design): Wild Abandon – Madrid Solo
Lipstick: Insanity Plea (Green) – Madrid Solo
Top: Hedwig (Lime) – Zibska  *~*rigged mesh*~*
Hat: Hedwig (Lime) – Zibska  *~*non-rigged mesh*~*
Necklace & Earrings: Zeta Deux Jewelry Set – Zibska (part of 50L closing sale!)

Blogging Tune: “Say Something” – Pentatonix (Cover)

[BLOGGING TUNE... cause WordPress wants to be ghey with videos...]

 

I Don’t Wanna Do Anything But Cry…

I guess it’s been a while since I’ve seen the sunshine
Since I have smiled
And me, who’s so well-versed
Is feeling so damned empty
Is at a loss for words

Cry

I’m so… angry.

And I’m not even angry at him for dying.  Or anything related to him.  I’m angry at my father, of all people… for dying first.  I guess I just feel like… when your grandfather dies, you should be able to turn to your parents.  And since grandpa is mom’s dad, I don’t want to lean to hard on her… but dad isn’t here.

I was sick earlier today… I was trying to get ready to go see mom and step-dad and grandma and grandpa… but every time I tried to stand upright long enough to get in the shower, I threw up.  I had a migraine.  The stress getting to me plus just the whole general ‘being sick’ thing… I texted my mother, because I didn’t know what else to do.  For an hour, I’d been trying to get there, and I couldn’t settle my stomach.  Grandma also doesn’t like sick people around grandpa.  When mom texted back, she said something very simple:

“Grandpa probably will not make it thru the night.”

So I jumped in the shower, regardless, got sick a few more times, got out, put clothes on while I was still wet, brushed my hair back while it was still soaked, got in my car, and drove.  I got there and mom pulled me aside saying again that she didn’t expect him to make it through the evening, let alone the night.

Then the waiting started.

Mom seemed to be getting sick so a couple hours after I got there, she took a hot shower and went to lay down.  Step-dad finally went home to lay down.  Grandma dozed off and on in her recliner.  I sat in grandpa’s recliner behind the hospital bed that he was laying in and just… watched.  It was all I could do.  I paid half attention to what was on tv at the time and just… watched… and waited.  Grandma woke up once or twice and tried to get me to go home and sleep.  Right.  Like that was going to happen.  Scared me to death every time he would take a deep breath… and then stop for a moment… and then start again.  I kept wondering which one was the last one.

Around 11pm my time, grandma woke up and we watched a bit.  I’d told her that his gasping had slowed down… like… there was longer between breaths.  When I’d first gotten there, he was asleep and huffing like he’d run a marathon… even with his oxygen on.  But now it was gasping… and then a few seconds… and then gasping again.  And the gasping was more shallow.  We watched for another half hour-40 minutes and then grandma woke mom up.  At 11:45 she called my step-dad saying that he’d probably better get dressed and come over.

Around this time, I’m actually chuckling, because I’m thinking the stubborn old man is actually going to prove us all wrong and make it past midnight.  It would be just like him too.  “Lose faith in me, will ya… I’ll show you.”  But at 11:57pm, grandma was adjusting the blankets and feeling if he was clammy or not, and I saw him stop breathing.  He didn’t make a noise, he didn’t struggle to start again.  He just… stopped breathing.  I didn’t say anything, cause I wanted grandma to be able to be in denial for a moment if she wanted to be.  But after a minute she looked back at mom and said, “I think he’s gone.”

I think the most heartbreaking moment in my entire life happened next.

My mother has always said to me, “The Bible apparently says that God will never give you more than you can handle.  I’m convinced that he has me confused with someone else.”  She’s lost so many in the last 10 years or so, it’s just been ridiculous.  All far too soon.  I mean, grandpa was 79… but he was still only 79.  But mom, who has lost so much already, just lost her father.

As the nurse in the family (grandma and I were only nurse’s aides), mom goes to grab the stethoscope and listens to his chest, like she normally did before he would take his inhaler.  She felt around a few different places… and then her face just distorted, she broke down in tears, and half-collapsed over him, crying into his shoulder.  It was… devastating to watch… and I couldn’t do so without crying myself… and I don’t cry quietly, so it just made mom cry harder.

At this point, my step-dad still hadn’t come in yet… and he didn’t until mom was already sitting back on the couch, still in tears.  He walks in and because I’m the first face he can see, I can’t even tell him… I looked at him and just cried.  The look of concern on his face, which I’d NEVER known him to really show… like… ever… was actually comforting… that he cared not only that mom was upset, but that I was too.  He asks me, “Is he gone?” and grandma and I both can’t talk… we just nodded.

Then the moment was gone and he was on the couch comforting my mother.

We waited about an hour for hospice to get there… and of COURSE things were going to have to be complicated because we all live in Alabama, but his burial plot is in Indiana.  So they have to call the coroner to take him to a local funeral home to do what they need to do in order to fly him to the funeral home in Indiana.  Coroner takes about an hour and a half to show up, a half hour to transport him out, and we all finally left grandma’s house at, like, 3:30am.

It’s weird to call it just grandma’s house.  But I guess now it is.

On Tuesday, we’re leaving to go back to Indiana.  I don’t know how long we’ll be gone, cause we have to plan services and stuff once we get there.  And I know mom wants to have an extra day or two after we’re done to visit with her friends that we’ve not seen since we all moved.

I’m just… lost right now.  And angry.  So angry.

I guess anger has become my preferred coping mechanism.  I’m sure that’s not healthy.

So yeah… this is why I’ve not been active in the last few months.  Having a grandfather with Leukemia and a step-father with Prostate cancer while you’re fighting your own illnesses just doesn’t leave a lot of time to blog.  Thank you for those that are hanging in with me during this difficult time.  I really appreciate all the love and support I’ve received from friends in SL.  It means so much more than I can ever say.

Cry

I hardly feel alive
I’m going through the motions
But I don’t feel like trying
The hole in my heart is growing bigger by the day
I wish that I could crawl inside
Hide away…

*~*I Don’t Wanna Do Anything But Cry… *~*

Shape: MINE!
Skin: Evon (Dark Tan) – Lara Hurley
Eyes: Spectral Eyes (Azure) – IKON
Hair: Genesis – Truth Hair
Eyeliner: Liner Pack I (3; Bold) – DAMNED Bodyshop
Lipgloss: Dailyn Lipgloss (Dark red) – Izzie’s
Tears & Redness: I’m Not Feeling Well – Izzie’s
Knee/Leg Bruises: Bruised Face & Body – Soedara (only lower layer worn)
Tunic/Camisk: Amara al Romana (Blue) – Soedara (includes anklets & Hairpiece)
Hands: Avatar Enhancement Hands (Flat) – Slink
Feet: Women’s Natural Barefeet – Slink
Fingernail/Toenail Polish: Dark Set – Nailed It (Slink Applier HUD & mesh nail capability!)
Circlet: Managarm Circlet (Gold) – Soedara
Collar: My Heart Is Caged Collar (Etched Fire) – Tethered BDSM
Pose (1st Picture): EverGlow
Pose (2nd Picture): Diesel Works

Blogging Tune: “Cry” – Alexx Calise

Funny, You’re the Broken One…

Funny, You’re the broken One
But I’m the only one who needed saving…
Cause when You never see the light
It’s hard to know which one of us is caving…

Stay

I’ve been wearing the same outfit for four days, so I may as well blog it. Lol.
Consider this your warning, there will be some personal stuff, like RL personal stuff, in this post. It may trigger negative memories for some of you, if you’ve been through similar situations. I apologize in advance, but this has to be said…

Some of you know, because you’re close enough to me that we’ve talked about it or you’ve read earlier posts on this blog, but I’ve been raped not once, not twice, but three separate times. I take the issues of violence against women very seriously. Some people kink for consensual non consent and rape fantasies and other similar things inside of role play situations, and that’s fine if that’s what they like. It just isn’t for me. And I find images and other such things depicting rape as OK really disturbing.  Some of you probably know now the direction that this is going.

In a judgmental community like the fashion industry in SL, you’re told you need to be squeaky clean. Designers don’t want models who offend their customers. Whether or not it’s OK, people are offended by the things they don’t understand. So if you engage and an alternative sexual lifestyle, that is not understood or misunderstood by the general public, such as D/s or M/s, you are told to not be open about that. If you choose to be open, like myself, you risk never being afforded certain opportunities than if you did not engage or had hidden it. Anyway, this brings me to last year’s Miss Metaverse pageant.

We were told to be squeaky clean, which should be no surprise as, again, the SL fashion community is a naturally judgmental community. We were told to hide the associations with anything that could be remotely construed as being overly sexual. This includes relatively innocent things, such as the fact that I facilitate discussions on a education based D/s sim. The discussions are not sexual in nature, but because people don’t understand D/s and M/s, I was told to hide all the groups. This was understandable, because in theory a pageant winner should be ” wholesome “. I had friends who didn’t understand, and I did my best to explain, but the fact was we did what we were asked. We did this because we had to, in order to follow the rules laid out for the pageant.

So after this pageant, and I use the term loosely, when it was outed that there was a not only nude photograph of the newly crowned Mr. Metaverse, but that it was a photograph of him overpowering and raping a female avatar, I expected something to be done. The pageant owner claims to care about the integrity of his pageant and the integrity of the contestants. The pageant owner also claimed to be a victim of sexual assault himself, so I expected that he would understand how disturbing of an image that would be. Now keep in mind, I did not see everything that happened in group chat when this all came about. I had already been stripped of my title, but I will get to that later. However, I will link Isodel’s blog entry to the bottom of this one, that includes a lot of the things that the pageant owner said and did via the group and Facebook. Not only did he not stick up for the women who were offended, he did not even hold to the rules that he originally established in the very beginning of the pageant.

Stay

Even though I started with it, the pageant owner being OK with the picture of rape and even calling it art, was actually the last straw for me. My own personal experiences with this pageant owner are probably just as bad.

When I first entered Miss Metaverse, I was not exactly as open about personal stuff as I am now. It took a lot for me to tell the pageant owner about some stuff that I’ve been through that made me choose my particular organization for my platform. It also took a lot for me to even survive the personal questions about my real life they were asked in the interview portion. I was shaking, I couldn’t control my stutter, and in efforts to do so I was saying ” um ” and ” uh ” a lot. This isn’t just a nervous habit for me like it is for some people. It has to do with the fact that I stutter. Either way, I survived sharing deeply personal details about myself to these people that I barely knew. It was hard, but I grew from it.

I related to the pageant owner, or so I thought, because after I told him about the things that I’ve been through, he began to tell me that he’d been through some of the same things. Looking back on it now, I’m not sure how much of what he told me is true, and how much is a lie.

I honestly don’t know. To not be able to trust this man enough to at least know that these personal details were not just made up, is pretty disturbing. But that’s the kind of person he is.

That kind of person that claims he wants to run an ethical pageant, claims he will show the ultimate transparency… Yet now, 10 months after last year’s pageant, the scores that he promised STILL are not up in the public eye. No one knows how most of the models actually scored. And the scores that are up, one of the judges claimed she wasn’t even present for those particular models, so she wouldn’t have scored them. He also claims to own the name Metaverse Pageantry. Unfortunately, I know the person that does. And it’s not him. Which is interesting, given that he’s trying to run the pageant this year under that name that is owned by somebody else.

Was I disappointed when I didn’t make it past preliminary competition? Yes. But I was disappointed because the pageant owner claimed that there would be emphasis placed on those who were unique. He claims to value of those who were not ” typical ” models or pageant girls. He even told us, outright, ” Everything you see in other pageants? I don’t want to see ANY of that. ” In the end though, he didn’t really care about any of us as models, or as people. He only cared about us as pawns to move around as he saw fit for his own personal gain. He constantly changed rules and structure of the pageant throughout. He went back on his word several times. And it seemed that some rules applied to some models and others to other models but not the same rules for all.

I was hoping that I could reflect back on my experiences in a positive way, this long after it happening. However, after seeing that this pageant owner is attempting to run the pageant again, I knew I had to say something. I will attach a link to Isodel’s blog entry, as well as the two that I wrote about my experiences last year.

If you are considering competing, I heavily encourage you to think hard and reconsider several times before you actually enter. For me, it was too much drama, too many lies, too much deceit, too many broken promises, and too much bullshit from a man who really only cares about himself.

Stay

(I also apologize for any typos that occur in this post. I broke my keyboard a couple of days ago, and so I dictated this entire post via speech recognition on my computer.)

The promised links:
Isodel’s post: http://isoldel.wordpress.com/2013/03/22/the-truth-hurts-the-metaverse-pageantry/
My first post: http://tivispiritor.com/2013/03/17/lies-disguises-and-hoops-they-make-you-jump-through/
My second post: http://tivispiritor.com/2013/03/22/lies-disguises-and-hoops-part-2/

*~* Funny, You’re the Broken One *~*

(Will insert style credits hopefully tomorrow on laptop or with new keyboard.)

Blogging Tune: “Stay” – Rhianna

* The tune has nothing to do with the subject matter of the post. Just more stuff that’s on my mind.